CIRCA/Afghanistan skit script

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CIRCA script

Starring Corporal Carrot as Soldier/ Field Marshmallow Zonkers as Woman/ and Gladmiral Stench as Harper

---with----

SF: Shemeneral Fufu SM: Subcommandainty Marbles – PU: Privates Underpant – KP: Kolonel Popped –

SM: (Scottish accent) Roll up, roll up - ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends and foes - welcome to the unparalleled, the unexpected, the perfectly paradoxical, the grotesquely beautiful, the new-fangled world of the Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army (CIRCA).

SF: From the bottoms of our clowny hearts, we would like to spank you for coming here today.

SM: Don't you mean, thank you all for coming?

SF: Yes of course! Where's my clowny head. THANK YOU all so much for coming!. This is Subcommandainty Marbles.

SM: And this is Shmeneral Fufu, who's the foofiest of the foofs.

SF: Over there we have Field Marhsmallow Zonkers.

SM: And prancing over yonder is Privates Underpant.

SF: There we have Kolonel Popped and Corporeal Carrot.

SM: And last but not least, Gladmiral Stench!

SF; And we say -- (ALL CLOWNS) --- MAKE LAUGHS, NOT WAR!!

FMZ: We are clandestine because we refuse the spectacle of celebrity and we are everyone.

PU: We are insurgent because we have risen up from nowhere and we're everywhere.

KP: We are rebels because we will always disobey those who abuse and accumulate power.

GS: We are clowns because nothing undermines authority like holding it up to ridicule.

SF: We are an army because struggle requires solidarity, discipline and commitment.

SM: We are circa because we are neither here nor there, but in the most powerful of all places, the place in-between order and chaos.

SM: We ran away from the circus and as CIRCA we're touring Afghanistan.Clowns! Get into misformation! We're going on tour! (clowns start doing the airplane)

SKIT

PU: Oh my, what a beautiful country Afghanistan is. A little dry, but beautiful! And look at these mountains! They're so huge and impressive! (all clowns express amazement: oooh aaaah).

SF: My clowny instincts are all tingling...I think I've spotted something! Is it a mountain goat? Is it a mountain climber? No, it's a man in uniform! Hello, good man!

Soldier: Stop or I'll shoot! (all clowns scream, then start running around in circles)

SM: Don't shoot, we're just a bunch of clowns on tour of Afghanistan!

Soldier: You're touring Afghanistan? So am I, with the Canadian forces. We're here on a peacekeping and reconstruction mission. Us Canadians are famous for our peacekeeping role in the world. So here I am, ready to protect the people of Afghanistan and help them rebuild their country.

PU: Protect the people? WHAT PEOPLE? I don't see anyone around!

Soldier: Shhh, here goes one now! Drop down! (shoots gun into the distance, clowns start running around again, bump into each other and drop down)

KP: What was that?

Soldier: Darn, he got away! I hate this job. These terrorists have the best hiding spots!

SF: Terrorists? You're hunting down terrorists in the mountains? I thought you were peacekeeping!

Soldier: I AM! I'm helping to secure Afghanistan by hunting down and killing Taliban terrorists in these mountains!

SF: How's it going so far?

Soldier: Well, not so great, to tell you truth. We lost two more guys last month. That means 19 Canadian soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan since 2002.

KP: That's terrible!

Soldier: To be honest, it doesn't seem like we are actually peacekeeping anymore. I signed up for the military to protect Canada and help the United Nations with peacekeeping roles around the world.

PU: That is very honourable of you. Canadians owe you for your sacrifices. But it seems you've been, like most Canadians, deceived by our government.

Soldier: You're right. This isn't peacekeeping, this is war! There are warlords running rampant in the rural areas, but we're out here in the mountains trying to track down terrorists. Back at home I thought being in the army would be glorious. Now I wish I could put down my gun and help these people rebuild.

SM: Well, why don't you leave behind all these hide and go seek terrorists, and go with us!

Soldier: Okay.

SF: Clowns, get on the train! (they all do the train). Whoa whoa clowns, haaaalt! Someone's hiding in the bushes over yonder. Hallo! Who's there? We are the Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army. We Make laughs, not war and we mean you no harm. Come out and show yourself!

Woman: Clowns you say? Are you sure you're not another militia? Because we don't need anymore of those!

PU: No no, we're nothing but a bunch of peace-loving clowns. Why are you hiding, good woman?

Woman: Oh, I hide everyday. It's just about the best way not to get shot.

KP: Who's trying to shoot you?

Woman: Who's not shooting in this place. We haven't had peace since I was a little girl. First there were the coups. Then the Soviets invaded. Then the Americans gave weapons to warlords to fight the Soviets, and that war was 10 years long. Then the warlords fought each other for control. And now the Americans are back to fight some of the warlords, but they're still giving weapons to others.

KP: What about Canada?

Woman: Canada is helping a little, but mostly it's help for the Americans. We need food, water, bridges and roads. Afghanistan needs peace, and more fighting is only going to bring more fighting.

SF: Oooh, I have an idea! Clowns, when we get back to Canada, we're going to find a plane and come back here with food, bridges, and roads, even hospitals and schools too!

Woman: Are you crazy? Well, I guess you are a clown. But listen, when you do get back to Canada, tell your people and your government that the people of Afghanistan want disarmament. We also want other countries to help us rebuild our country by peacekeeping and supporting AFGHANI led reconstruction projects.

Enter Harper

SM: Can you smell that? I think you might have a chance to tell our “government” yourself!

Woman: That smells terrible! What is it?

Harper: Hey Everybody, I'm Stephen Harper. I hope you all voted for me. I'm here to raise awareness about myself and how great my government is. You should vote for me again.

ALL Clowns: Boo! Make it stop that infernal noise, the spin is killing me! (spin and fall down)

Here's one of our brave Canadian soldiers now. Aren't you glad you get to stay here even longer? We got that decision passed with only four votes, and almost no parliamentary debate at all! That's democracy in action! (whispers to soldier) Hey man, can you lend me five bucks? I wanna go out for lunch with my buddies from Haliburton, Shell Oil and General Dynamics. Thanks man, and by the way, those green fatigues? Really smashing, great contrast against the desert! Do you guys hear something? (Harper gets pied in the face).

Harper: OOOuch, what was that for?! What do you want from me?

Soldier: Peacekeeping not WAR!

Woman: Solidarity not empire!

EVERYBODY: Make Laughs not War!!!

TAKE A BOW! -- the end---